joy.

i've been absent for a few months. A LOT has happened in these few months and i am so happy i finally get to share them with the world.

october 5. friends were coming over for chili. the weather was dreadful, and i felt pretty awful. once again, my body was telling me something. i took a test, negative. joe and i had a great evening with great friends.

october 6. still feeling pretty lousy, joe and i went out to find some fall clothing bargains. when we got home i felt that there was no way that test could be negative. sure enough, there was the faintest second line. we were in the process of rushing out the door to meet my family for dinner. dinner was delicious and afterwards, we went to target to pick up some more reliable tests. we came home, i took nearly all of the tests and there they all revealed...baby desalvo is on the way!

this was a busy day for us. after finding out the best news, we were off again, this time to joe's parents house. we hung out there for a bit, containing how thrilled we were about this news.

after everything that we went through last spring, joe and i decided that our families needed to know sooner rather than later. we ran home to grab the "grandparent" gift i had reserved for my parents for this occasion. i wrapped it up and we headed to their house. the artwork, that was once my own grandparents' said, "just when parents think their work is finished, they become grandparents."

joe's parents would find out the following wednesday.

when i got back to school on monday, i shared the news with h, j, and j. the moment becomes even more joyous once others are in our your sweet secret.

the first few weeks of my pregnancy were a bit tumultuous. we went to the doctor for the "confirmation" appointment. then, i went for routine blood work for my first OB appointment that would be happening in the next few days. a couple of days later, i got the call.

"after looking over your blood work, your progesterone levels are low. this is a bit concerning and we would like you to have an ultrasound today."

were we headed down the same path as we went down in april?

the ultra sound revealed that i was not 8.5 weeks, but only a mere 4.5. this is the exact pattern that we went through in april.

"the only thing we can do is wait."

two weeks later, we went in for ultra sound #2. baby was growing! saw the heart. saw the heart beat. relief. joy.

"come back in another two weeks for another to make sure things are still growing."

another two weeks of waiting, praying.

ultra sound #3 = sweetest thing i have ever seen. heard the heartbeat. peace. gummy bear. "limb buds"

God's timing is always right. that's what everyone always told me. this is the best, sweetest gift i've ever been given. i'm going to be a mom. joe is going to be a dad.

peace has taken over my heart and i am joyous.

thirteen weeks on monday = second trimester.

-caitlin

wound.

while clearing out the "piles" around the house of miscellaneous mail, junk mail, bills, receipts, etc. i came across something that opened a healing wound.

this wound has been in the process of healing since april 23. last weekend, it was as if the band aid was ripped off, with no caution.

i came across the beautiful ultrasound photo i received mere hours before my mc. this little, tiny, photo holds so much within its pixels.

hope. grief. joy. peace. comfort. love. life. loss.

i remember those moments in the ultrasound room like it was yesterday. after the terribly scary weekend that preceded this photo, there joe and i were. at imaging for women. after being in the waiting room for what seemed like hours, they called my name.

it's amazing to think of the range of emotions that can take place in an 8 by 10 foot room. joe and i couldn't wait to see our little blip of love on that screen. we couldn't wait to have someone confirm that everything was fine.

"so, you're here to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time?"

"yeah, we are."

"it's a beautiful thing."

the images appeared on the screen and there was silence. i studied that poor woman's face more than i have ever studied anyone. every wrinkle, movement, furrowed brow.

"well, i'm just not seeing anything. let me try a different angle."

[insert worst fears here.]

this is what i had hoped would never happen. but then, a smile. she found our little blip, or the beginnings of it. she and the radiologist explained to us that i must just not be as far along as they first thought.

"your doctor will look at these and let you know for sure, but that's what i'm thinking."

two days later, we knew for sure.

throughout this whole experience i have prayed for many things. peace. comfort. understanding. i've prayed that sharing my story will allow others to share theirs. to know we're not alone.

today, one of my prayers was answered. it's amazing how He can put someone in your life to share something with you at the EXACT time that you know you need to hear it. words from a dear colleague.

"i just wanted you to know i stumbled across your blog a while ago. just know that i've been praying for you and your husband. i had a miscarriage too and it all works out."

thank you, lord for always knowing what i need and when i need it.


-caitlin

another first. WIWW.

well, i've given in. i am going to ATTEMPT to do a WIWW (what i wore wednesday) post each week. now, i will probably only be posting what i wore wednesday. i don't know if i have the time or motivation to do photos every day.

today was the first day of school. there are many highlights in a school year, but for me, today is definitely at the top of the list. there is nothing better than spending the first day with your students. 

so, here is what i wore for the first day of school. it was a hot 95 something degrees today. therefore, dress shorts and something airy were a must. 

i only add the above photo so you can get a glimpse of another accessory i had for the first day...my sweet toe bandage. on monday, i had an ingrown toenail removed (about a fifth or so of my nail vertically). monday and tuesday were pretty terrible, but it is much better today and, fingers crossed, it seems to be healing nicely.

top: banana republic, shorts: the limited, watch, earrings: target, jewelry: the loft

-caitlin

Bliss. Wedded Bliss.

07.11.09

this is the date that changed my life forever. this is the day that i got to marry the man that i had hoped and prayed for my entire life. this is the day that i was united with the man that god placed in my life. 

it's hard to believe that it's already been three years. three. whole. years. where does time go?

this is one of the photos that i cherish the most from that day. this is the moment we saw each other for the first time. i love the expression on joe's face. there is so much emotion in this one photo.

07.27.12

this is the day my little brother married the girl of his dreams. i, along with joe, was honored to be a part of their big day. 

 

mr. and mrs. brenton say, "i do."

 

 the bridesmaids and the bride before the ceremony!

i've always been one to enjoy a great wedding. weddings have taken on a whole new meaning since joe and i said, "i do." every bit of theme seems even more sacred and beautiful. 

 

i was so blessed to be a part of their day and i look forward to watching the two of them grow as a couple.

 

congratulations, mr. and mrs. brenton! may god bless your marriage and the joyful years ahead.

-caitlin

 

determination

so, this week i began a new journey. after a dear friend mentioned her success on it, i decided to join weight watchers. 

i took it upon myself to get back in shape and continue to eat healthier. i am incredibly proud of joe and i with the fact that we do eat extremely healthy, especially compared to how we used to eat. following the removal of 1/2 my pancreas and spleen [that's for another post] AND my mc, taking care of the body that i have been given by God, the ONLY one i've been given, has become one of my main focuses in life.

unfortunately, after my mc, the health of my body took a back seat. it was almost as if i was punishing my body for putting me something so horrible. eating, snacking, and eating more somehow brought me comfort. way too many pounds later, it was time for a change.

so, after joining ww this week, i've actually had fun challenging myself to see how close i can get to my number of daily allotted points without dipping into my "extra" weekly points. it's a fun challenge, especially knowing that it's benefiting me. fruits and veggies are ZERO points, so i've been consuming lots of those! 

fridays are my weigh in days. yesterday, i had lost 4.6 pounds from when i was in the doctors office wednesday. weight loss is not my main goal, but it doesn't hurt to have something pushing me to my new goal.

i am determined to get healthy again. i am determined to take charge of this life and health i've been given.

i am prepping my body to become a mommy. i want the place where my future children will thrive and grow for nine months to be a healthy place. i want to bring my children into this world one step ahead of most...one BIG healthy step.

-caitlin

11.01.03

and so the story continues...

i woke up on saturday morning super early. that morning, my parents and i were traveling to maryville, mo to visit northwest missouri state university. 

upon arriving on campus, i knew that this was the place for me. it was small, but not TOO small. i loved the campus and could picture myself there for the next four years. 

i'm not quite sure what happened on the ride home. i am sure i was talking about making the decision to attend northwest or bugging my parents about my plans for that evening. 

however, my plans changed as soon as t sent me a text message about his band's gig that evening in atchison, kansas. he encouraged me to come so that i might get a chance to hang out with the boy a bit more. the boy with the maroon jacket and the baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. 

after convincing my parents that i was alright driving to atchison by myself or with t, i got the go ahead. i was to meet the band at t's house and follow them to atchison. 

i pulled up at t's house, much to the boy's surprise. i arranged with t to allow me some time to slip something in the boy's guitar case. i took out a dollar bill and wrote, "hi, joey. i'm glad i could come tonight. good luck tonight. you better not spend this, i don't want creepy people getting my phone number." i then weaved the bill into the strings of his bass. locked up the case and made my way inconspicuously to my car.

after all the gear was packed, the caravan began the drive to the river house in atchison. 

i stayed out of the way as the band unpacked, set up and began their set. but, i kept a watchful eye on the bass case. i watched as he opened it and smiled.

there were a few words exchanged here and there between the boy and i. 

somewhere between the gig ending and the band beginning to pack up, i fell asleep. yes, i fell asleep with my head on the table. 

----[give me a break, i had just made a trip to visit northwest and made a life-changing decision...all in one day.]----

as we were all hanging out around the outside of the river house, dicussions arose about who would be riding in what car. i walked to my car, knowing i would be riding home alone, just as i had done on the way out there. 

just as i was unlocking my door, i noticed the boy standing at the passenger side of the car. he looked up and said, "mind if i ride home with you in your car?"

"sure."

the next hour was spent sharing stories and things about our lives.

we got back to t's house to unload all of the gear and as i was heading up the staircase to go home, the boy said, "i'll give you a call tomorrow."

i left with a huge smile on my face. i couldn't wait to get that phone call.


that's it. this is where our story began.

-caitlin

10.31.03

as a little girl, i hoped and prayed about my future. one of the the greatest things i hoped and prayed for...the man that i would get to spend the rest of my life with.

i prayed. and prayed. 

[fast forward.]

it was halloween. i was a photographer for The Spectator [high school yearbook]. the annual SADD (students against destructive decisions) "dance" was to take place that friday night after the football game. i dreaded it. i begged to get out of going. after all, i knew there would be a minimal turn out and my friends weren't going. 

but, in the end, i went. as my friend and i walked up the stairs in the commons of lhs, we encountered my friend t who introduced us to a boy wearing a maroon jacket and a baseball capped tipped slightly to the side.

i continued in to the "dance" where, NOT to my surprise, there were maybe 12 people...including those who were required to be there. lame.

however, as i began to unpack my camera to capture the few shots i needed, i noticed the band. they were just beginning to set up, and i couldn't take my eyes off of that boy. the boy with the maroon jacket and baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. the boy tuning the bass. 

i stayed behind with my friend j and we watched. we watched them play their songs. i got my few photos. but, we i didn't want to leave. 

the band ended their performance and i packed up my photo gear. the night was ending. i never thought the few hours before that i would be sad to see it end. 

i saw the girls flock to the band to talk. j and i stayed behind, watching and chatting. i went to say good bye to t...hoping that i might get to talk to the boy again. the boy with the maroon jacket and baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. the boy packing up the bass.

j and i decided to head out, about the same time that the band was carrying out their gear. 

i walked to my car, loaded up my things and sat. i sat in the car listening to the music and thinking. wondering about what might have just happened. i wondered if i would ever see him again. the boy with the maroon jacket and baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. the boy playing the bass. 

as i drove out of the parking lot towards home, i passed him in the parking lot. i knew i had to see him again. 

to be continued...

-caitlin

get away celebration

pardon my absence, but joe and i have been traveling. we had the great honor of attending the wedding celebration of our dear friends abby and adam in washington d.c. 

i have visited washington twice before, but this was joe's first time. therefore, we did EVERYTHING there was to do. what made this trip so special wasn't just the pomp and circumstance of being in washington, but also the fact that we were there with dear friends. it was so wonderful that so many of us were able to travel to celebrate with abby and adam.

here is a pictoral overview of day #1.

we left bright and early on a friday morning. too early if you ask me. getting up to a 4:00 alarm is NOT my idea of a good time.

after arriving in washington, we settled into our Georgetown hotel. then, we began our tour de washington. first stop, georgetown: cupcakes, beautiful homes.

friday evening, we all went out to dinner at founding farmers on pennsylvania avenue. this restaurant was amazing for many reasons, the main reason being that it was all LOCAL and ORGANIC. yum.

we walked past the white house at night, visited with some official police (who, by the way are NOT supposed to interact with tourists), trekked back to our hotel to rest up for day two.

[tourist tip: destinations/monuments/memorials/museums are WAY farther apart than they may appear.]



coming next...day #2 and beyond.

"god will use your courage."

following my previous post, thanks to everyone who has shared their own stories with me. to everyone who has thanked me for my courage. to everyone who has prayed, thought about and shared your kind sentiments.

He has shown me many things through this experience. one of which, is the people who love us. 

my heart if full from your comments, sentiments, emails and prayers. thank you. 

tomorrow is father's day. the day we celebrate our father's. 

here is a list of a few things i have learned from my own father.

*peach nehi floats trump the traditional root beer float.

*"you HAVE to eat the elephant one leg at a time."

*how to make straight, even lines when mowing the lawn.

*how to fold a fitted sheet. (which i am still NOT a master at completing.)

*how to most efficiently load the dishwasher, washing machine and dryer.

*to love unconditionally.

*that credit cards aren't "fake" money. you eventually have to put real money forth. :)

*to check the oil in my car. 

*to never be talked into buying anything at jiffy lube.

*that during the summer it's worth turning the a/c up a few degrees and paying a few extra dollars to be comfortable in your own house.

*our dry sense of humor.

*that i can go to him for anything and he'll love me no matter what.

love you, daddy.

i look forward to celebrating with my own father, my father-in-law and my husband. especially my husband who has proven to be the best father any child could ever ask for. 

happy father's day to all of you father's.

-caitlin

being a "groan" up.

although many have been filled in on this aspect of our life, i've been thinking and praying about fully sharing it publicly.

now, before being fully conscious about what i was about to do, i had to consult with another person who shared in this aspect of being "groan" up. joe.

i've been praying and reading about this a lot. something kept telling me to share our story. now, i don't want you to think we're sharing this for you to feel sorry for us. i am sharing our story for US. discussion of this topic is often taboo and after struggling silently for a while (with the exception of a few close friends), now is the time for healing to begin.

grown ups have to deal with many things that come their way. many things you never think will happen to you. you hear stories about these things happening to others and think, "that will never happen to me." THEN...it happens, whatever "it" may be.

in our case this is the story of when "it" happened to us.

the day after Easter - afternoon.
i went to work out at the gym and while running, i just felt different. something inside told me that i was pregnant. during a routine trip to target, i grabbed three pregnancy tests to confirm my suspicions. i couldn't get upstairs fast enough when i got home.

test = negative. only one pink line.

the day after Easter - bed time.
while getting ready for bed, i happened to look at the test again. this time, however, i noticed that there was a very faint second pink line. could it be?

three tests later = we're going to be parents!

i ran straight into the bedroom where joe was watching tv. "joe. we're going to be parents." (i will never forget the sweet look that joe had on his face. it was a look of varying emotions. one memory that is permanently captured in my mind.)

we laughed. we cried. we celebrated.

the tuesday after Easter.
i took the day off from work. i was so mentally and physically overwhelmed. thrilled. it was a "me" day.

i made the appointment to go to the doctor on thursday.

waiting.

wednesday.
i returned to work to share the news with two of my closest friends. it was going to be the first baby in our "positivity" group. i felt even more thrilled sharing our secret with two ladies who were ecstatic for us. i became even more ecstatic.

joe and i both decided a couple of people at work needed to know. just in case.

thursday.
joe and i met at the OB's office where our pregnancy was confirmed. prenatal care had begun. baby desalvo would arrive on november 12th. i was already 8 weeks along. wow.

late april.
cramping. spotting. call to dr. s who happened to be on call that weekend. thank the lord. she assured me it was probably nothing. i was encouraged to go on bed rest for the remainder of the weekend and come in on monday for some tests and an ultrasound.

later april. (monday, april 23rd)
the following monday after the long worried weekend, the ultra sound and the progesterone levels in my blood work, it appeared that I was only 4 weeks along. i should have been much farther along but was reassured that this happens often. we were incredibly surprised but happy to know that everything appeared to be okay.

we returned home and began going about our day. while out running errands i began to feel incredibly sick which i attributed to being on bed rest all weekend and now being up and about. joe brought me home and he went about running errands.

monday, april 23rd. evening.
pain. the worst pain i had experienced. the pain came on every few minutes and then would disappear. that evening, we lost our baby. dreams, hopes. gone.

thursday. (phone call from nurse - at school.)
i went in to have further blood work done and my pregnancy hormone levels had dropped significantly, indicating that my body took care of things for itself. i did not require a d&c.

remember the "just in case" joe and i talked about? well, i needed it. j was able to come to the rescue and cover my class. i went home.

i called joe only to discover the nurse had already contacted him so he would be ready for my call. he was already half way home when i called him.

it is amazing that in a matter of hours, you can go from an extreme high. dreams. hopes. future. to an extreme low. loss.

the few  months have been an emotional roller coaster for myself and joe. we’ve gone from one extreme to the other and our emotions/my hormones are still adjusting.

the lord has truly blessed me by putting joe into my life. this "groan" up moment would have been impossible without him. his patience and pure heart are a godsend.

after hearing our pastor preach on being "groan" up, i came to many realizations. he helped me see that i'm not alone. as he was preaching, his words were hitting me. me in the front row of the sanctuary. tears of a full heart. joe by my side.

i have been struggling with people telling me that this was "God's plan" and that "everything happens for a reason, it was god's way of taking care of things." i understand that these friends were trying their best to console me with words that they felt would help. i've also come to realize that in an experience like this, there wasn't anything that they could have said to help.

this experience that joe and i have gone through has definitely felt like being "groan" up.

we know that there are still days ahead that we will struggle. but, we are also aware that there are hopeful days ahead that we will celebrate the lives of our future children. we will always grieve for the child that we never had the privilege of meeting. i had a dream the other night that brought immense peace. while we grieve the fact that we will not get to watch our child grow up, we know that he/she has the privilege of being nurtured and brought up by or heavenly Father. when our child opened its eyes for the first time. he/she saw their heavenly father. what greater joy?

thanks for allowing me to share my story. it's a painful one.

here's to our future.

-caitlin

the first.

i've been thinking for hours about what i would write in my first blog post, what i wanted my blog to look like and what i felt my goal was for creating this.

well, i'll tell you...

      first blog post : read below

      appearance of blog : simple, chic, easy on the eyes

      goal for creation of blog : outlet for my grey reveries.

when i was sharing the title i was going to give my blog, my friend asked for a warranted explanation. i feel that i owe you all the same respect.

grey = favorite color, mood i seem to be in lately, the area between black and white, lovely name i would love to give to a baby

reverie = when i "googled" the word reverie, it gave me 2 definitions: 1) a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts; a daydream: "I slipped into reverie" and 2) an instrumental piece suggesting a dreamy or musing state.

so here it is..grey.reverie.

recently, some friends and i were reflecting on the days of "xanga." we went so far as to look up our old sites and reminisce make fun of our teenage selves. the things we wrote about were humorous to us now, but i remember that at the time...they were real problems, dramas and things we never thought we would get through.

as a seventeen year old junior in high school, xanga was an outlet. yes, it was the "cool" thing to do and it was incredibly entertaining to spend hours reading posts of others. it was where i spilled my guts over those ridiculous break ups. it was the place i allowed self pity to get the best of me. it was the time i wrote about how everything in life seemed to be going wrong. it was the place i filled out those silly surveys about myself. it was where i proclaimed my love for the bass guitar-playing-boy i fell in love with senior year of high school.

now, we blog. not a day goes by that i don't hear someone somewhere say, "i read about '___________' on this blog the other day." blogging is OUR outlet today.

blogging will be MY outlet today. 

welcome to grey.reverie. join me on my blogging journey, will you?

-caitlin