wound.

while clearing out the "piles" around the house of miscellaneous mail, junk mail, bills, receipts, etc. i came across something that opened a healing wound.

this wound has been in the process of healing since april 23. last weekend, it was as if the band aid was ripped off, with no caution.

i came across the beautiful ultrasound photo i received mere hours before my mc. this little, tiny, photo holds so much within its pixels.

hope. grief. joy. peace. comfort. love. life. loss.

i remember those moments in the ultrasound room like it was yesterday. after the terribly scary weekend that preceded this photo, there joe and i were. at imaging for women. after being in the waiting room for what seemed like hours, they called my name.

it's amazing to think of the range of emotions that can take place in an 8 by 10 foot room. joe and i couldn't wait to see our little blip of love on that screen. we couldn't wait to have someone confirm that everything was fine.

"so, you're here to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time?"

"yeah, we are."

"it's a beautiful thing."

the images appeared on the screen and there was silence. i studied that poor woman's face more than i have ever studied anyone. every wrinkle, movement, furrowed brow.

"well, i'm just not seeing anything. let me try a different angle."

[insert worst fears here.]

this is what i had hoped would never happen. but then, a smile. she found our little blip, or the beginnings of it. she and the radiologist explained to us that i must just not be as far along as they first thought.

"your doctor will look at these and let you know for sure, but that's what i'm thinking."

two days later, we knew for sure.

throughout this whole experience i have prayed for many things. peace. comfort. understanding. i've prayed that sharing my story will allow others to share theirs. to know we're not alone.

today, one of my prayers was answered. it's amazing how He can put someone in your life to share something with you at the EXACT time that you know you need to hear it. words from a dear colleague.

"i just wanted you to know i stumbled across your blog a while ago. just know that i've been praying for you and your husband. i had a miscarriage too and it all works out."

thank you, lord for always knowing what i need and when i need it.


-caitlin