being a "groan" up.

although many have been filled in on this aspect of our life, i've been thinking and praying about fully sharing it publicly.

now, before being fully conscious about what i was about to do, i had to consult with another person who shared in this aspect of being "groan" up. joe.

i've been praying and reading about this a lot. something kept telling me to share our story. now, i don't want you to think we're sharing this for you to feel sorry for us. i am sharing our story for US. discussion of this topic is often taboo and after struggling silently for a while (with the exception of a few close friends), now is the time for healing to begin.

grown ups have to deal with many things that come their way. many things you never think will happen to you. you hear stories about these things happening to others and think, "that will never happen to me." THEN...it happens, whatever "it" may be.

in our case this is the story of when "it" happened to us.

the day after Easter - afternoon.
i went to work out at the gym and while running, i just felt different. something inside told me that i was pregnant. during a routine trip to target, i grabbed three pregnancy tests to confirm my suspicions. i couldn't get upstairs fast enough when i got home.

test = negative. only one pink line.

the day after Easter - bed time.
while getting ready for bed, i happened to look at the test again. this time, however, i noticed that there was a very faint second pink line. could it be?

three tests later = we're going to be parents!

i ran straight into the bedroom where joe was watching tv. "joe. we're going to be parents." (i will never forget the sweet look that joe had on his face. it was a look of varying emotions. one memory that is permanently captured in my mind.)

we laughed. we cried. we celebrated.

the tuesday after Easter.
i took the day off from work. i was so mentally and physically overwhelmed. thrilled. it was a "me" day.

i made the appointment to go to the doctor on thursday.

waiting.

wednesday.
i returned to work to share the news with two of my closest friends. it was going to be the first baby in our "positivity" group. i felt even more thrilled sharing our secret with two ladies who were ecstatic for us. i became even more ecstatic.

joe and i both decided a couple of people at work needed to know. just in case.

thursday.
joe and i met at the OB's office where our pregnancy was confirmed. prenatal care had begun. baby desalvo would arrive on november 12th. i was already 8 weeks along. wow.

late april.
cramping. spotting. call to dr. s who happened to be on call that weekend. thank the lord. she assured me it was probably nothing. i was encouraged to go on bed rest for the remainder of the weekend and come in on monday for some tests and an ultrasound.

later april. (monday, april 23rd)
the following monday after the long worried weekend, the ultra sound and the progesterone levels in my blood work, it appeared that I was only 4 weeks along. i should have been much farther along but was reassured that this happens often. we were incredibly surprised but happy to know that everything appeared to be okay.

we returned home and began going about our day. while out running errands i began to feel incredibly sick which i attributed to being on bed rest all weekend and now being up and about. joe brought me home and he went about running errands.

monday, april 23rd. evening.
pain. the worst pain i had experienced. the pain came on every few minutes and then would disappear. that evening, we lost our baby. dreams, hopes. gone.

thursday. (phone call from nurse - at school.)
i went in to have further blood work done and my pregnancy hormone levels had dropped significantly, indicating that my body took care of things for itself. i did not require a d&c.

remember the "just in case" joe and i talked about? well, i needed it. j was able to come to the rescue and cover my class. i went home.

i called joe only to discover the nurse had already contacted him so he would be ready for my call. he was already half way home when i called him.

it is amazing that in a matter of hours, you can go from an extreme high. dreams. hopes. future. to an extreme low. loss.

the few  months have been an emotional roller coaster for myself and joe. we’ve gone from one extreme to the other and our emotions/my hormones are still adjusting.

the lord has truly blessed me by putting joe into my life. this "groan" up moment would have been impossible without him. his patience and pure heart are a godsend.

after hearing our pastor preach on being "groan" up, i came to many realizations. he helped me see that i'm not alone. as he was preaching, his words were hitting me. me in the front row of the sanctuary. tears of a full heart. joe by my side.

i have been struggling with people telling me that this was "God's plan" and that "everything happens for a reason, it was god's way of taking care of things." i understand that these friends were trying their best to console me with words that they felt would help. i've also come to realize that in an experience like this, there wasn't anything that they could have said to help.

this experience that joe and i have gone through has definitely felt like being "groan" up.

we know that there are still days ahead that we will struggle. but, we are also aware that there are hopeful days ahead that we will celebrate the lives of our future children. we will always grieve for the child that we never had the privilege of meeting. i had a dream the other night that brought immense peace. while we grieve the fact that we will not get to watch our child grow up, we know that he/she has the privilege of being nurtured and brought up by or heavenly Father. when our child opened its eyes for the first time. he/she saw their heavenly father. what greater joy?

thanks for allowing me to share my story. it's a painful one.

here's to our future.

-caitlin