wound.

while clearing out the "piles" around the house of miscellaneous mail, junk mail, bills, receipts, etc. i came across something that opened a healing wound.

this wound has been in the process of healing since april 23. last weekend, it was as if the band aid was ripped off, with no caution.

i came across the beautiful ultrasound photo i received mere hours before my mc. this little, tiny, photo holds so much within its pixels.

hope. grief. joy. peace. comfort. love. life. loss.

i remember those moments in the ultrasound room like it was yesterday. after the terribly scary weekend that preceded this photo, there joe and i were. at imaging for women. after being in the waiting room for what seemed like hours, they called my name.

it's amazing to think of the range of emotions that can take place in an 8 by 10 foot room. joe and i couldn't wait to see our little blip of love on that screen. we couldn't wait to have someone confirm that everything was fine.

"so, you're here to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time?"

"yeah, we are."

"it's a beautiful thing."

the images appeared on the screen and there was silence. i studied that poor woman's face more than i have ever studied anyone. every wrinkle, movement, furrowed brow.

"well, i'm just not seeing anything. let me try a different angle."

[insert worst fears here.]

this is what i had hoped would never happen. but then, a smile. she found our little blip, or the beginnings of it. she and the radiologist explained to us that i must just not be as far along as they first thought.

"your doctor will look at these and let you know for sure, but that's what i'm thinking."

two days later, we knew for sure.

throughout this whole experience i have prayed for many things. peace. comfort. understanding. i've prayed that sharing my story will allow others to share theirs. to know we're not alone.

today, one of my prayers was answered. it's amazing how He can put someone in your life to share something with you at the EXACT time that you know you need to hear it. words from a dear colleague.

"i just wanted you to know i stumbled across your blog a while ago. just know that i've been praying for you and your husband. i had a miscarriage too and it all works out."

thank you, lord for always knowing what i need and when i need it.


-caitlin

another first. WIWW.

well, i've given in. i am going to ATTEMPT to do a WIWW (what i wore wednesday) post each week. now, i will probably only be posting what i wore wednesday. i don't know if i have the time or motivation to do photos every day.

today was the first day of school. there are many highlights in a school year, but for me, today is definitely at the top of the list. there is nothing better than spending the first day with your students. 

so, here is what i wore for the first day of school. it was a hot 95 something degrees today. therefore, dress shorts and something airy were a must. 

i only add the above photo so you can get a glimpse of another accessory i had for the first day...my sweet toe bandage. on monday, i had an ingrown toenail removed (about a fifth or so of my nail vertically). monday and tuesday were pretty terrible, but it is much better today and, fingers crossed, it seems to be healing nicely.

top: banana republic, shorts: the limited, watch, earrings: target, jewelry: the loft

-caitlin

Bliss. Wedded Bliss.

07.11.09

this is the date that changed my life forever. this is the day that i got to marry the man that i had hoped and prayed for my entire life. this is the day that i was united with the man that god placed in my life. 

it's hard to believe that it's already been three years. three. whole. years. where does time go?

this is one of the photos that i cherish the most from that day. this is the moment we saw each other for the first time. i love the expression on joe's face. there is so much emotion in this one photo.

07.27.12

this is the day my little brother married the girl of his dreams. i, along with joe, was honored to be a part of their big day. 

 

mr. and mrs. brenton say, "i do."

 

 the bridesmaids and the bride before the ceremony!

i've always been one to enjoy a great wedding. weddings have taken on a whole new meaning since joe and i said, "i do." every bit of theme seems even more sacred and beautiful. 

 

i was so blessed to be a part of their day and i look forward to watching the two of them grow as a couple.

 

congratulations, mr. and mrs. brenton! may god bless your marriage and the joyful years ahead.

-caitlin

 

determination

so, this week i began a new journey. after a dear friend mentioned her success on it, i decided to join weight watchers. 

i took it upon myself to get back in shape and continue to eat healthier. i am incredibly proud of joe and i with the fact that we do eat extremely healthy, especially compared to how we used to eat. following the removal of 1/2 my pancreas and spleen [that's for another post] AND my mc, taking care of the body that i have been given by God, the ONLY one i've been given, has become one of my main focuses in life.

unfortunately, after my mc, the health of my body took a back seat. it was almost as if i was punishing my body for putting me something so horrible. eating, snacking, and eating more somehow brought me comfort. way too many pounds later, it was time for a change.

so, after joining ww this week, i've actually had fun challenging myself to see how close i can get to my number of daily allotted points without dipping into my "extra" weekly points. it's a fun challenge, especially knowing that it's benefiting me. fruits and veggies are ZERO points, so i've been consuming lots of those! 

fridays are my weigh in days. yesterday, i had lost 4.6 pounds from when i was in the doctors office wednesday. weight loss is not my main goal, but it doesn't hurt to have something pushing me to my new goal.

i am determined to get healthy again. i am determined to take charge of this life and health i've been given.

i am prepping my body to become a mommy. i want the place where my future children will thrive and grow for nine months to be a healthy place. i want to bring my children into this world one step ahead of most...one BIG healthy step.

-caitlin

11.01.03

and so the story continues...

i woke up on saturday morning super early. that morning, my parents and i were traveling to maryville, mo to visit northwest missouri state university. 

upon arriving on campus, i knew that this was the place for me. it was small, but not TOO small. i loved the campus and could picture myself there for the next four years. 

i'm not quite sure what happened on the ride home. i am sure i was talking about making the decision to attend northwest or bugging my parents about my plans for that evening. 

however, my plans changed as soon as t sent me a text message about his band's gig that evening in atchison, kansas. he encouraged me to come so that i might get a chance to hang out with the boy a bit more. the boy with the maroon jacket and the baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. 

after convincing my parents that i was alright driving to atchison by myself or with t, i got the go ahead. i was to meet the band at t's house and follow them to atchison. 

i pulled up at t's house, much to the boy's surprise. i arranged with t to allow me some time to slip something in the boy's guitar case. i took out a dollar bill and wrote, "hi, joey. i'm glad i could come tonight. good luck tonight. you better not spend this, i don't want creepy people getting my phone number." i then weaved the bill into the strings of his bass. locked up the case and made my way inconspicuously to my car.

after all the gear was packed, the caravan began the drive to the river house in atchison. 

i stayed out of the way as the band unpacked, set up and began their set. but, i kept a watchful eye on the bass case. i watched as he opened it and smiled.

there were a few words exchanged here and there between the boy and i. 

somewhere between the gig ending and the band beginning to pack up, i fell asleep. yes, i fell asleep with my head on the table. 

----[give me a break, i had just made a trip to visit northwest and made a life-changing decision...all in one day.]----

as we were all hanging out around the outside of the river house, dicussions arose about who would be riding in what car. i walked to my car, knowing i would be riding home alone, just as i had done on the way out there. 

just as i was unlocking my door, i noticed the boy standing at the passenger side of the car. he looked up and said, "mind if i ride home with you in your car?"

"sure."

the next hour was spent sharing stories and things about our lives.

we got back to t's house to unload all of the gear and as i was heading up the staircase to go home, the boy said, "i'll give you a call tomorrow."

i left with a huge smile on my face. i couldn't wait to get that phone call.


that's it. this is where our story began.

-caitlin

10.31.03

as a little girl, i hoped and prayed about my future. one of the the greatest things i hoped and prayed for...the man that i would get to spend the rest of my life with.

i prayed. and prayed. 

[fast forward.]

it was halloween. i was a photographer for The Spectator [high school yearbook]. the annual SADD (students against destructive decisions) "dance" was to take place that friday night after the football game. i dreaded it. i begged to get out of going. after all, i knew there would be a minimal turn out and my friends weren't going. 

but, in the end, i went. as my friend and i walked up the stairs in the commons of lhs, we encountered my friend t who introduced us to a boy wearing a maroon jacket and a baseball capped tipped slightly to the side.

i continued in to the "dance" where, NOT to my surprise, there were maybe 12 people...including those who were required to be there. lame.

however, as i began to unpack my camera to capture the few shots i needed, i noticed the band. they were just beginning to set up, and i couldn't take my eyes off of that boy. the boy with the maroon jacket and baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. the boy tuning the bass. 

i stayed behind with my friend j and we watched. we watched them play their songs. i got my few photos. but, we i didn't want to leave. 

the band ended their performance and i packed up my photo gear. the night was ending. i never thought the few hours before that i would be sad to see it end. 

i saw the girls flock to the band to talk. j and i stayed behind, watching and chatting. i went to say good bye to t...hoping that i might get to talk to the boy again. the boy with the maroon jacket and baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. the boy packing up the bass.

j and i decided to head out, about the same time that the band was carrying out their gear. 

i walked to my car, loaded up my things and sat. i sat in the car listening to the music and thinking. wondering about what might have just happened. i wondered if i would ever see him again. the boy with the maroon jacket and baseball cap tipped slightly to the side. the boy playing the bass. 

as i drove out of the parking lot towards home, i passed him in the parking lot. i knew i had to see him again. 

to be continued...

-caitlin

get away celebration

pardon my absence, but joe and i have been traveling. we had the great honor of attending the wedding celebration of our dear friends abby and adam in washington d.c. 

i have visited washington twice before, but this was joe's first time. therefore, we did EVERYTHING there was to do. what made this trip so special wasn't just the pomp and circumstance of being in washington, but also the fact that we were there with dear friends. it was so wonderful that so many of us were able to travel to celebrate with abby and adam.

here is a pictoral overview of day #1.

we left bright and early on a friday morning. too early if you ask me. getting up to a 4:00 alarm is NOT my idea of a good time.

after arriving in washington, we settled into our Georgetown hotel. then, we began our tour de washington. first stop, georgetown: cupcakes, beautiful homes.

friday evening, we all went out to dinner at founding farmers on pennsylvania avenue. this restaurant was amazing for many reasons, the main reason being that it was all LOCAL and ORGANIC. yum.

we walked past the white house at night, visited with some official police (who, by the way are NOT supposed to interact with tourists), trekked back to our hotel to rest up for day two.

[tourist tip: destinations/monuments/memorials/museums are WAY farther apart than they may appear.]



coming next...day #2 and beyond.